Life is harder when you're expected to do something according to your age but you can't because you believe you can't.
I'm not even good at programming or fixing the effing computer...
And, so I read a handful of self-help books to my delight, it didn't help a little.
Today was Friday meaning a day off from school. So I was reading a book, again, this time it's a memoir. Too bad, I was interrupted by a pile of house chores so I stopped. It was siesta time when I decided to watch The Social Network 4 years after I first saw it.
4 years ago.. the era when I was still naive and a moron...
I remember, back in a day, I felt like I was Mark Zuckerberg, that I could be like him who doesn't need college. Who needs college when you're better than anybody? That's what I thought. Silly. I know.
I mean, I was kind of rebellious too. I blamed my parents. I blamed my family especially with what happened to my mother. It stopped my world. It ruined my life. I thought.
I could've been studying at a state university where I was accepted but I haven't because of the mishap. I believe that I don't deserve any of this. Why do we need to suffer? Why do we need to endure this pain? A pain that felt like a lifetime.
Yeah. That was so me 4 or 5 years ago.
I don't simply believe that things happened for a reason. They happened because I chose it to happen. I took the risks. Now I'm facing the consequences.
And to be honest, I'm writing what will only comes out from my mind. I have no time to correct the grammar and yes, I'm overwhelmed right now. My mind is racing because I was so driven. I was like the Mark Zuckerberg version of Jessie Eisenberg because he was the one I saw in the movie, not the real Mark. I've seen videos of Mark and he's way too different from Jessie. I included this because at the first place, according to the movie, Mark was drunk and stupid and angry while blogging. And here I am saying my thoughts only I'm not drunk and angry. Stupid, maybe.
I started writing this after I've watched the movie (like 20 minutes ago). Here I am, taking my 10th paragraph, if I'm not mistaken.
I do not know where this blog will go to but, here, let's try to get back to the movie..
I watched it because part of me wanted to "see" Rooney Mara's role again since I started "fan-girling" over her a few weeks ago. Then, I needed some motivation. I need to really know what would be my "future" as a programmer and perhaps, as an inventor. And part of me wanted to reconnect with the past... on why I've dropped out of college (not to mention I also took a gap year, a year that I could've spent in a state university... the issue I mentioned earlier.) and honestly, the thought of it frightened me a little.
Unfortunately, I didn't get any motivation from it. I still hated Rooney's character for the same reason, she was so good at it and I'm kind of jealous. She made me cry a little, though. In short, it didn't really help me. But here's the thing I won't deny.. it really reconnected me to/from the past.
I wasn't kidding with the State U thing. I took that exam way back in senior HS and I passed, as far as I can remember. I've missed a lot of opportunities back in the day. We were supposed to take UPCAT, MSU-CATs and plenty more entrance exams but I haven't. Again, I blamed my parents. But that was just all in my head. Because we're penniless I just thought that I didn't deserve those kind of opportunities. I thought those were just a waste of money and I already knew that I couldn't passed any of those, so...
Circumstances like that made me angry with myself. Every time I remember those, I could feel how weak I am.
There's a line in Black Swan, the movie I watched 2 days ago that said, "You can be brilliant but you're weak!" I swear, as much as possible, I do want to forget it but I'm having the hard time. It lingers through my senses every now and then.
Connections, friends, strangers, detachments.. I'm like on a journey that aims to reach the peak of a mountain except I'm alone. I'm the only one taking this journey. No one could ever understand this. But, you know what, even if I go this way, I don't feel so lonely. It feels so weird. Hah. I guess, in the end, I learned a little from those freaking books.
Back to the movie, again. When you're wired, you're wired. You're not allowed to do anything. You're focused. But in my reality, it's not a thing. I live in a family that's always in a rush. Most of the members of the family have Type-A personalities. Imagine the struggle! I have no choice but to adapt! And honestly, until now, I believe I've failed to adjust. I guess, I wasn't really good at adapting situations even if it's just my family that's involved (I might even fail my Physics class because of this. Did I just mention that?). So instead of wrapping this up in less than 30 minutes. I need an hour or two to do so. In fact, right now, I'm juggling from one chore to another. Did I mention that I do a lot of sitting jobs such as babysitting, store-sitting, sick mom sitting? And it's for free?
From the very start, I wasn't very sure what's the purpose of this. The only reason was I was overwhelmed and that's it. Now, it has reached it end and I'm expected to come up with a conclusion...
Straightforwardly, the only purpose of this is if my parents or my siblings and even the people I've met that I considered friends happened to read this... I'd like to say that I have no regrets. I've chosen what I have chosen. It might not have a good result however, I could simply begin again at my current disposition. As simple as that and I'm ready to go. Maybe at the other end, it would be sweet when the time comes.
And also, from all the years that "I have wasted", there's one certain thing I've learned and will always believe since I started believing on it. That fame, name of the institution, job, career, reputation aren't the most important things in the world. It's love. You can take everything away from me except love.
Through the years, I've learned to love myself and I realized that I've just started to live my life. And here's the thing, I'm not kidding when I said that. Love is everything. Love will heal the world.
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